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Charlie Chimp
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13 May 2010
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 | An Australian
writer once said
that the British
only win the
Olympic events –
rowing, sailing,
cycling, canoeing -
that we can do
sitting down.
So why isn’t poker
an event for
London 2012?
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FOLLOW THE DREAM
Imagine Luca Pagano striding ahead of his Azzurri
team-mates on the track at Stratford, waving Il
Tricolore proudly in front. Behind him Tony G rolls
along, pie in hand, easy to pick out among the
rippling bronzed torsos of the Australian swimming
squad. The pert bottom of heptathlete Jessica Ennis
is followed inappropriately closely by Dave Ulliot,
possibly with a camera. The poker community would
swell with pride that its greatest and best
are standing among the world’s elite, united in
patriotic competition.
FASTER, HIGHER STRONGER
But surely the Olympics are about athleticism, fitness, physical prowess? Have you seen an air rifle
contestant recently? For gold in that event all you
need is an unhealthy interest in firearms and the
ability to hold your breath for five seconds.
Dressage? Any minor royal with half a million Euro to
spend on a freakishly careful horse is in with a shot
of Olympic glory. Who’s the best rider, Frankie
Dettori or Princess Anne’s ex-husband? Who’s got a
medal? Case closed.
IN THE LAP OF THE GODS
Some people say, and indeed some courts have
“proved” that poker is a game in which luck plays a
part. But studies have shown that in No Limit
Holdem, only 12 per cent of the best starting hands
are best come the river, which means that 88 per cent
of winning hands are held by players who defeated
luck by skill, tactics, lack of concentration or sheer
stupidity. Was Jamie Gold lucky? Was Chris
Moneymaker lucky? Was Robert Varkonyi lucky?
Shut up! Who asked you anyway?
THE RUB OF THE GREEN
All sport contains elements of luck, even the Olympics –
ask Paula Radcliffe, the world’s greatest distance athlete,
who can’t even say the word “Olympics” without getting
run over by an escaped lawnmower. Yes a pair of aces can
get outdrawn by a pair of jacks, but then a world-record
javelin throw could hit a pigeon mid-flight and come
crashing to the floor. Or maybe a particularly poor javelin
throw could hit a very determined pigeon that heroically
carries it fifty metres further than it should have gone. It
could happen, don’t tell me it couldn’t.
NOT WHEN BUT HOW
The case for Olympic poker is made, but what about the
format? Anyone who witnessed the final of last year’s
Late Night Poker will see that the six-player shootout TV
format is probably not the way forward. Imagine a
hundred metres race in which all the competitors have
their shoelaces tied together and the track is heavily
mined? Well, the LNP final was more of a crapshoot
than that. No, the tournament must last the full three
weeks and involve a variety of limits and games. Except
Badugi. Badugi is not poker and its inclusion would
make a mockery of the entire event. Mind you, they keep
going with the triple jump and how silly is that?
TO THE VICTOR THE SPOILS
At the tournament’s end, the champion will stand atop
the podium with tears in his (or her) eyes and pride in his
(or her) breast (or breasts). That person will appear on
breakfast television and in newspaper advertisements for
insurance and be driven around their home town on an
open-topped bus. Years from now, they might appear in
the papers again when in reduced circumstances, they
are forced to sell the medal on ebay to pay for dental
work. But the record books will still and forever show
that once, despite appearances to the contrary and an
inability to tackle crusty breads, they were gods.
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